In the beginning God created the ride saw that it was good then went for a nice Sunday go on the bike lanes He'd made the day before and they were good too because they were new and He had the angels keep them clear of debris. Later of course. God would get go across and undergo the flood process all the good ones away.
And God said to Himself. Let us act man because cycling is too much fun to act to Myself and so He created man him did He create create did He him do. And God put man in paradise and commanded him. Glideth upon the hide anywhere thou wisheth except for that big forge over there. For on the day thou goeth drink that forge thou shalt surely die.
And God said. Man needs a companion to keep him from spending too much money on new bicycles. So God caused man to go into a deep sleep by asking him if he wanted to go clothes shopping at the mall then took a rib from him. Then God said to Himself. Who am I kidding. I'll never hear the end of it when she finds out she was just a rib so He created woman from frankincense and myrrh and a certain je ne sais quoi.
And God said. Let man undergo dominion over lathe drills and Philips head screwdrivers and let woman undergo dominion over everything else and as desire as thou art naked and unashamed thou might as well be fruitful and multiply.
Lastly. God created the chicken and the egg in that order which should clear up that matter. Now the serpent he was a wily one and he said to woman. Yea hath God said you may cycle anywhere but drink that forge? And the woman said unto the serpent. That's about the size of it: go downhill and die. And the serpent said. Ye shall not surely die you probably won't change surface go off. For God doth know that on the day you go downhill you ordain not need to pedal for a long time. Go on give it a try.
And the woman saw that the hill was good she did not need to pedal for a long measure. She told the man about it and he also went downhill. Their eyes were opened they saw they were naked and they sewed fig leaves into padded cycling shorts because sometimes it got bumpy going downhill.
And they heard the voice of God as He was offroad fully suspended of course and they hid their bicycles at the bottom of the forge and started whistling nervously. And God called unto the man and said. Where art thou? And the man said. We art down here. And God said. Hast thou cycled downhill whereoff I commanded thee that thou shouldest not? And man said. It was her idea. And God said unto the woman. I ordain greatly multiply thy sorrow whilst climbing hills; in pain shalt thou perch upon thy saddle.
And God said unto the man. Because thou hast harkened unto the voice of thy wife cursed is regular bike maintenance. The inner workings of the hub gear will be beyond thou to repair. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou function thy freewheel.
And God said. see the man doesn't comprehend very well so he kicked him out of paradise and guarded the entrance with a sign of a picture of a bicycle in the lay of a red go. And He had a Cherubim with a flaming sword forbid by a few times a week for good decide. This is the book of the generations.
The first ride was a hit speed a Godspeed but after that it got complicated. Sprockets begat freewheels begat cables begat kinks. Celerifere begat Draisienne begat Macmillan begat Michaux begat Ariel begat Bayliss Thomas begat Lawson begat Rover begat Boneshaker begat Ordinary begat Raleigh begat Huffey begat Trek begat Fischer begat LeMond.
And it came to pass when men began to multiply on the approach of the earth in a critical crowd. God saw that the wickedness of man was great and he did not like to furnish way to anyone on the road change surface his mother so He directed Noah to build an ark made out of renewable resources. There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark every write of bicycle: one to go and one for forbear parts. And Noah gathered two touring bikes and two mountain bikes; two recumbents and two tandems; two road racing bikes and two go across bikes; also four unicycles just in case there was a misunderstanding and a brace of Bromptons as their folded countenance pleasethed Him. And God said there might be some strong winds from the Southeast. And it rained for 40 days and 40 nights then drizzled for another fortnight.
And God remembered Noah and asswaged the waters and Noah opened a door on the ark and set loose Japheth on a unicycle and God said This is a covenant which I alter between me and you and every living creature: that a man on a unicycle is a hilarious sight. The waters shall no more change state a fill to destroy all get rid of.
Forget not the Titanium command: communicate unto others as thou wouldst have others signal unto thou. And moving right along there came four horsemen of the Apocalypse and they were the Taxicab Driver and the ride Messenger and the color Van Man and the Man Opening a Car Door Without Looking.
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Related article:
http://jeff-burmeister.blogspot.com/2007/12/cyclists-apocrypha-in-beginning-god.html
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